Snark

Draco Malfoy is forced into hiding with the Golden Trio and dragged into their search for horcruxes. What ensues is a journey of redemption, unexpected friendships and an unwanted, turbulent romance with Harry Potter. Warnings for swearing, sexual content, and dark themes.

When a Voldemort in his thirties encounters a time-travelling, seventeen-year-old Harry Potter, he makes a dangerous—and hilarious—assumption. He assumes that Harry is his son. And his son, of course, deserves the very best. A confused Harry plays along for the sake of self-preservation, but living with his “father” is proving to be intolerable in more ways than one. “You are mine,” Voldemort said gently, and smiled when Harry flinched. So the boy did know Voldemort, after all. He knew Voldemort was to be feared. “I will look after you, my own.” “I don’t belong to you,” Harry spat, despite his fear. Oh, what a delight he was! He was no cowering, simpering sycophant, like Voldemort’s other followers; no, this child had a spine of steel. Not many could stand before Voldemort without quailing. “You are my son,” Voldemort declared. “Of course you belong to me. Your every cell, your every fibre, your every heartbeat. You are mine in flesh and blood and soul. You are mine in magic. And you will not deny me.” Now with Chinese, Korean, Russian and Portugese translations, and featuring art by Mona and Hypnodisc!

Hermione convinces Draco to spy for the Order and she becomes his handler. But what are his true motivations? Hard to say when he's still figuring that out himself. WINNER: 2022 Top Dramione Fics on Reddit4th Place Wartime2nd Place BAMF!Hermione .............................................................. Draco cut her off. “You may have my wand, but you're not in control of the flow of information here. It’s not your life on the line.” Granger bristled at his assertion. “My life is on the line every day.” “So. Is. Mine.” He growled back. “Give me my fucking wand and don’t be so bloody obvious when you contact me.” She narrowed her eyes. “I already told you I'd be more careful next time.” She better be. “One more thing.” “What, Malfoy?” she snapped, still angry she hadn’t gotten the information she wanted. He pointed his finger at her so she would understand how important this was. “You need to learn Occlumency. If you’re captured, I’m dead.” She stared back in defiance. “We both are.” He couldn’t argue with that. She tossed his wand to the floor and Disapparated with a crack.

Now that Harry is back at Hogwarts with Hermione for eighth year, he realises that something’s missing from his life, and it either has to do with Ron, his boggart, Snape, or Malfoy. Furthermore, what, exactly, does it mean when one’s life is defined by the desire to simultaneously impress and annoy a portrait? Harry has no idea; he’s too busy trying not to be in love with Malfoy to care.

A betrayed Tony Stark leaves the Avengers. He's angry and bitter but he's not about to stop being a hero. The problem is that not everyone is happy with his decision.

Tobirama is willing to give absolutely anything for Hashirama and his dream.

Will knew what had happened. He knew exactly how Abigail's ear had gotten into him, who had shoved it down his throat. He also knew that trying to indicate Hannibal as a killer again was futile. Jack seemed to want to believe him, going by the conversation in the BSHCI's visitor hall, but Jack needed something concrete, evidence. Hannibal had eluded capture for so long, he wasn't going to start leaving fingerprints or hairs at his crime scenes now. No, Will was going to deal with Hannibal Lecter on his own terms. The man deserved to reap what he'd so carefully sowed, didn't he? He deserved to experience what he'd coaxed forth from the bottom of Will's soul, to see the result of his machinations. --- After his release from the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane, Will doesn't return to work for the FBI.

Stiles buys Derek a set of cooking spoons. Derek retaliates with lunch. The war begins.

What followed was the most bizarre courtship Q had ever—well, heard of, certainly. He didn’t have much to compare it to, but Moneypenny confirmed that normal people didn’t flirt like this. Not that he was normal. Not that any of them were. Or: Q has a past, a cat, and a dangerous new boyfriend. Two of these things keep him up nights, the other pees in a box.

The problem with having your soulmate's first words to you tattooed on your arm is knowing your whole life that you're fated to be with a jerk. It's enough to make Stiles want to date other people ... which is how he winds up dating his soulmate's nephew.

Draco finds out something pertaining to the war that Hermione would do anything to prevent from getting out. How far is she willing to go to protect her secret? WINNER: 2022 Top Dramione Fics on Reddit2nd Place Dom!Draco (but he's totally a switch here) .................. “One evening. For one evening I’ll do…” She took a deep breath to steel herself. “I’ll do whatever you want.” He stopped in front of her, looming over her body, close. So close that she felt his hot breath on the top of her head. Slowly, she looked up from the shirt on his chest and into his eyes. They were hooded, and darker than she remembered. “Whatever I want?” His voice was hushed and deep, and she felt it in her bones. “Yes,” she whispered, and did her best to still the fear and sick thrill of anticipation that had sparked inside her. “Alright, Granger,” he said with a smirk, and then spoke in a low voice. “You’ve got yourself a deal.” She had no idea what she had just agreed to.

“We’re going to kidnap a Jedi?” Boba sounds far more excited by the prospect than most twelve-year-olds probably should. And, because he’s Jango’s boy, because he’s too kriffing smart for his own good, he catches on way too quickly. “Wait. Are we kidnapping your Jedi?” ON HIATUS

Deadpool totally crashes Peter's lunch date with some left-overs Aunt May had inundated him with, and Peter is like "Woah, isn't that that murder guy?" and then it kind of spirals from there. And maybe when Peter first saw Deadpool, decked out with fuzzy panda gloves and enough guns to take down a small monarchy, he should have high-tailed it the other way, but where's the fun in that, right? Right???

“Never thought I’d come after another mouthy Terran,” Yondu grins, crooked teeth unabashedly bared and seemingly unconcerned, “but my boy … well he deserves the best. Figured I’d make up for threatenin’ to eat him all those years. Might stop him from being so pissy all the time.” “That’s real sweet and all,” Toni cuts in sharply as understanding dawns on her, “but I doubt he’s my type. And it’s not the blue thing either, because that could be hot. It’s more along the lines of the whole I’m not leaving with you thing.” “Well see, that’s where you’re wrong,” Yondu smirks and abruptly whistles. Toni’s startled for a split second by the arrow that darts towards her from where it had been sheathed at his waist. The fin on his head glows a threatening red.

Stiles thinks no one is listening, so he just... stops talking. It's just like that asshole Peter to refuse to take the hint.

A perfect match, a romance for the ages, with a one hundred percent success rate! Magic Match claims they can give Draco all of this. So why do they keep sending him on dates with Harry Potter?

"Come on, boys," Zabini drawled. "You’re only delaying the inevitable." Trouble always had a way of finding Harry, and eighth year was obviously going to be no exception.

All Derek wanted was for the woman to leave him alone and ring up his groceries. How that led to her thinking Stiles is his boyfriend is something he blames on Stiles and his inability to stay out of trouble for five minutes.

In which Sam is inadvertently a cocktease and the "The Most Sexually Frustrated Angel in the Garrison" award goes to Gabriel.

Todoroki Rei divorces Endeavor and moves all four of her children into a small apartment next to a boy with wings as red as the hair of her eldest son.

"Hale & Daughters Funeral Home," Derek says dully. "Oh ho! And which daughter are you?" Derek casts his eyes up to the ceiling. It's going to be one of those calls. (In which Derek is a bored secretary, Stiles is a baker who may or may not have ulterior motives, and there are entirely too many macaroons.)

AKA: The Sterek Rival Bakeries AU Wherein they both own bakeries, Stiles tries not to run his grandmother's legacy into the ground, Laura wants to be a better alpha, and Derek can't seem to get Stiles' attention the regular way - so naturally, he accidentally initiates a prank war. (Or, if Teen Wolf was more like Gilmore Girls, with everyone far too invested in whether the Hale boy and the Sheriff's kid will work it out, and Laura Hale wrote a handbook for alpha werewolves.)

The Soldier should not be standing here, in the middle of a crowded room with obstructed exits, risking discovery with every second he remains rooted to the spot -- but. But. He'd had to know.

Stiles is ten when his father teaches him how to shoot. He sucks with a handgun, more likely to shoot off his own foot than the target. The same cannot be said for his skill with a long-range rifle (but he's no one's weapon). Eventually, Stiles knows, the secret will come out, because there are just some people he will save at all costs. (That day comes when they're hunting a redcap through the forest and can't reach Derek in time)

“Zack,” came the positively icy reply. “Tell me you didn't just decide to walk me over to my commanding officers ass first.” “What?” There was a smile in Zack's voice now, his shoulders moving to betray his laughter. “You said you wanted them to see your best side!” Or how fourth time SOLDIER applicant Cloud Strife met the First Class trio and in breaking Zack's nose, set in motion all of their lives changing forever. Eventual AGSZC.

Masks conceal one face, but they reveal another. The tenth anniversary of the end of the war is being marked by a lavish masquerade spread over three nights. It’s the event of the decade, but most importantly, it’s a perfect opportunity for her to escape the impossible pressure of being Hermione Granger. Unfortunately, it’s also the perfect opportunity to escape the endless shame of being Draco Malfoy.

In which the Sage of Six Paths decides he doesn’t like the ending, and Tobirama gets dragged along to fix things. The outcome is most definitely not what he expected.

Tony Stark is three years old when he is kidnapped and held for ransom. Howard Stark refuses to pay and Tony is never seen again, presumed to be dead. Thirteen years later, Agent Phil Coulson is sent out on a mission to find an ingenious hacker and bring him into SHIELD. Coulson’s training has prepared him for gun-fights, torture, interrogations, hand-to-hand combat, explosives, paperwork…you know, the usual. What it didn’t prepare him for is finding a brilliant but unruly teenager and being assigned his caretaker. Yeah, everyone at SHIELD is in for one hell of a ride.

Lisa Wilbourn once explained to Taylor Hebert that she was asexual due to her power interfering and making her realize any and all gross details about any possible romantic partner. She was lying.Taylor caught her.All of this, somehow, resulted in an odyssey of pure snark, with Lisa constantly arguing with Power, the disembodied voice in her head that insists anthropomorphizing a parahuman interface ability is a very silly thing to do--which ended up in Taylor and Lisa being quite proactive in tackling the Bay's villains and Armsmaster frequently complaining about "goddamn teenagers."I don't know why either, guys; I just write the thing...

“Tell you what Princess, I will make you a deal. If you ask him out and he rejects you, like you seem to think he will, I will never drop by for any unscheduled visits that don’t involve purple butterflies again. However, if I am right and he says yes, then not only do I reserve the right to continue basking in your presence whenever I so choose, but you will also provide me with free croissants every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next two months.” “You don’t want to make this bet kitty.” “Oh, I am pretty sure I do.”

Harry's willing to put up with a certain amount of injury, as long as he and Malfoy can keep doing... whatever it is they're doing. Maybe. Mostly. Especially if there might be more to it than sex. Based on a tumblr headcanon.

The blur has resolved itself into a man, mostly covered in red and blue, who turns his masked head and snarks cheerfully at Tony.

Harry liked his life just fine, thankyouverymuch — so it was bad enough when a sly fairy cursed him to leap into alternate realities. But seeing Malfoy in all of them? Definitely way too much. And worse yet: needing the bastard's help to figure out how to get out of of it. It was a disaster waiting to happen, really. Well... probably.

For years, you’ve been the only assistant in the business equipped to handle foul-tempered supermodel Katsuki Bakugou. That is, until he catches on to your weak point.

“How long until earthfall J?” Toni asks, hands steady on the wheel and mind whirling. “If the current rate of propulsion is kept, less than an hour,” JARVIS tells her promptly. “The vessel is large, fast, and does not seem to be attempting to maintain any level of true stealth. Radio contact will be possible in five to ten minutes, Miss.” Toni, having been enjoying a leisurely drive down the scenic route back to the Compound, is just under an hour away even if she speeds significantly. That’s unacceptable. “I’ll be there in six,” Toni tells him even as she pushes the seat back a bit from the dash. “Scramble the Legion, get Rhodey and Vision on alert, and send a ping to Panthro. Don’t tell them to assemble just … to be ready to if we have to.” “Of course, Miss,” JARVIS answers promptly. Even without her hands on the wheel the car doesn’t so much as sway off course. JARVIS has, as always, anticipated her every need.